This past week, I was delivered a couple blows that knocked me off my feet (not literally, though it felt like it). While I cannot go into detail here, I want to share my reflection on my response and to the deeper meaning it led me.
I previously wrote about how my desire to consecrate myself to God has forced me to re-examine my “calling and purpose” in this world. Throughout this time, I have centered this desire around my career, studies, and vocation. However, after last week’s events, I realized what it means to consecrate myself, specifically, to the Lord, and I now understand my constant restlessness. I was looking in all the wrong places.
Last week, I gave a talk on the Theotokos and the concept of surrender at a Coptic Orthodox church in California. The Orthodox Feminist posted a shorter version of that talk here if you’re interested in reading it. The presentation itself is a bit different. If you’d like to hear it, I’ll see if I can obtain the recording. After that talk, the juxtaposition of Mary’s desire to consecrate herself and the Lord’s plans for her stuck in my mind. She desired something completely different for herself, and yet she followed the Lord. It occurred to me last night that her decision to follow His plans was part of her consecration to Him.
Okay, you might be thinking, ‘duh, Sherry. Isn’t that apparent?’ And while it may be apparent, I could not see it, and I could not see it because I was looking at it through a different lens - a selfish lens. A lens that focuses its center on what I want. However, I was at least able to grasp that God knows better and that Mary knew that wherever He would lead, she would follow because He leads to the still, restorative waters. I digress slightly.
I want to back track a little.
I have been in the midst of a tribulation, and this tribulation keeps progressing and increasing in its madness. Last week, I discovered that it wouldn’t end as easily as I thought it would, and in fact, it is heading in a less than desirable direction. I naturally shut down, threw a tantrum, and cried in despair. I let anxiety take over. A good friend of mine sent me Psalms to read and advised me to pray the Third and Sixth hours from the Coptic Book of Hours daily. He also encouraged me to incite the prayers of my intercessors. I called out to Mother Ereni, whom I love dearly, for comfort and prayers for wisdom. I fell asleep reading the Psalms and that night had a dream about Pope Shenouda III, of blessed memory. In this dream, he held my hand and asked to speak to me repeatedly. When I woke, I felt comfort, but the lingering presence of anxiety still filled the air around me. Later that day, I was given more news that I allowed to disrupt my peace.
When we returned home from California this weekend, I spent some time contemplating my easy demise and fall into despair. I honestly hate that about myself so much. I hate that I don’t automatically turn to God. When I wrote to my friend, I cried via text that my hope is in the Lord, but I cannot help but feel so anxious about the outcome of this situation. I recognize that this is my pride and strong grip on attempting to control everything. It’s suffocating me. It’s causing so much grief to enter my life.
Saturday night, I turned back to Pope Shenouda and I found a poem that I sing to myself on occasion. I paused when I read the text and realized what I had been/have been missing all along.
I Love You, Lord
Pope Shenouda III
“I will bless the Lord at times” Psalm 34:1
I love You, Lord, in my solitude
You call to my heart by Your words so deep
I love You, Lord, in tribulation
In my time of need, in my time of pain
I love You, Lord, in my repentance
In the time of tears, in the time of regret
I love You, Lord, in times prosperous
And I love You, too, in the time of scarcity
I love You as the palace is being built for me
And in its collapse, and in its destruction
I love You, the Heart Who my wound binds
And I rejoice when I see it healed
I love You, the Spirit Who hovers around me
Who grants my soul graces most sublime
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My love for the Lord must extend beyond myself - it must extend to Him. My pride prevents me from completely reaching out to Him and holding on. I intellectually understand that He is in control, but my intellect also prevents my heart from jumping off that cliff in God’s sea of love. To jump off the cliff means I have to drown for a bit. I have to break. I have to humble myself and let Him envelope me.
If I want to consecrate my life to God, then I must go wherever He leads. I must follow Him to the cross.
In this world, you will have tribulation. But take heart, for I have overcome the world. John 16:33
But take heart…Not take mind/intellect/control. Take heart. He’s asking for our hearts so He can build the Kingdom of Heaven within them. Only then will the world’s tribulations no longer bring us down - He is our joy and our salvation; who then shall we fear?1
Last night, I met face to face with my sin. It was ugly and weak and distorted and had no place in my heart. So I kicked it out. I sought forgiveness, and I prayed to continue down this path of restoration and healing.
Whatever you want, Lord, I will do, and wherever You lead, Lord, I will follow. No matter how scared I am of what’s to come, because I love You, Lord.
I am the handmaiden of the Lord.2
I am recognizing that God is sovereign over all. He can change this entire situation in a second if that is His will. I am praying for His will because when I listen to my own, I make several mistakes.
This is by far the hardest proclamation I’ve tried to observe.