Attention | Thriving | Hyperactivity | Flourishing
Acceptance and Discovery
I have been touring schools the last two weeks. My second-born was diagnosed with ADHD last year and we’ve been navigating these new path. I have always suspected this was part of him. I was in denial for a long time. I thought that if I found the biological issue, I would have my answer, and while we did address issues in need of repair, the ADHD remained.
And you know what, that’s okay, because it is part of his unique and beautiful personality. It took me most of last year to get to that realization, though. I entered a stage of grief, and I couldn’t understand why. This feeling was much different than when my oldest’s mystery illness was finally revealed to us by the grace of God. I felt relieved with my oldest’s diagnosis. Finally, we have an answer. What’s interesting is that through my oldest’s diagnosis, I discovered that I also have this genetic condition and then some. We were connected through genetic illness (enter: mom guilt!)
With my second, I experienced grief, frustration, and denial. I went into fix-it mode. Mission: Operation Prevent Medication went into overdrive for 7 months. We tried neurotherapy, changing our diets, extra supplements, and then there was the push and pull between us that left us both upset and distant. I felt like I was failing him tremendously.
And then we fell into the lull of winter break.
I am going to switch gears for a moment. Since I could remember (probably age 10), I experienced fits of depression and anxiety. I went through cycles of hyperactivity, intense focus, hibernation, and tons of other feelings and experiences I didn’t know how to name. I recall attending an art class as a six year old, and hearing the teacher mention to my mom that I would lose interest too easily. Unbeknownst to said teacher, my mom was the wrong person to tell that to, because it ended my art classes and set off a tirade of shame. I learned that I needed to change quickly.
I had to be the person my mother wanted me to be, or else. I failed at that for most of my life because what she wanted was always shifting. If I reached that bar, she would find something wrong, and it would still not be good enough.
It’s been a long road since then, so when I heard the words, ‘he has ADHD and you need to monitor him when he’s older for addiction and depression,’ I went into a panic. According to current research, a person with ADHD is more likely to develop substance abuse disorders (one such study).
It was done, and I was triggered. Queue late-night worry sessions about my child as a teenager and as an adult. Also, queue prayers on repeat to the point where I stared at my icon of Christ and said, "He is Your son. You need to help us.”
This school year has been a challenging one. We’ve received countless emails and complaints about our second’s behavior. We noticed a shift in behavior at home as well. It didn’t matter what we did; nothing worked to turn things around. Finally, I decided to request an IEP from the school.
Suddenly, I found myself in an unspoken battle with the administration. I received a behavioral and home assessment packet asking me to describe problems at home and medical issues my child may have. I was told that he needed to participate in a behavioral assessment. We were scheduled to meet with the behavioral support team. Pretty much everything other than what I had requested to support my child.
So I put on my battle gear.
I submitted a letter from our pediatrician requesting either a 504 or an IEP plan. By law, the school has 15 days to respond. I was met with bitter silence and then an email from the assistant headmaster asking for a 504 meeting with my son’s teacher. Thankfully, God surrounded me with wonderful people who blessed me with their insight and experience. A good friend recommended a nonprofit that supports families in these situations and I met with a family support representative to discuss my rights as a parent. She also provided me with the myriad resources available and discussed which would help us the most.
When my kids’ winter break started, my body shut down from the stress of the many things happening in my life (good and bad), and I decided it was time to rest and hibernate. This decision served us well because my husband (who did not have the luxury of winter break) and I noticed a change in both our older kids. My ADHD brave kiddo stopped pushing back. He wasn’t (as) hyper or (as) impulsive. He was also exhibiting tons of kindness and love.
What is happening right now? At first, I thought this behavior was performative. After all, we were days away from Christmas, but then Christmas came and passed. Finally, I had a talk with him and the floodgates of information poured forth. When my oldest heard us chatting, he felt safe enough to reveal his feelings as well. Simply put, they were miserable at their school.
At that point, I was already exploring alternative schools and perhaps homeschooling for the next academic year, but after listening to my kids, I knew I had to make the change sooner if I could, so my prayer changed. It changed from, ‘please help (fix) my child’ to ‘please help me find the right support my children need right now so that they can thrive.’
I also decided to examine why my response to my son’s ADHD diagnosis. If you haven’t guessed it by now (I made it quite obvious, I think), I believe I, too, have some form of ADHD. Unfortunately, my mother has narcissistic personality disorder, and though it wouldn’t matter if I had ADHD or not, it just added to the formula of disaster already in store for me. I responded to my child’s diagnosis from a place of trauma, fear, and shame. I am determined not to let history repeat itself. I told my husband that we are going to fill those kids with love and praise. If our parental voices become their internal ones, they will hear guidance, love, and affection (God willing!!).
This morning, I submitted an email withdrawing my kids from their current school. When I told my boys, I could see the relief on their faces. Their school is not bad. It’s not the right school for them. If I want my kids to thrive, I need to listen to what works for their unique minds and bodies. God did not make a one-size-fits-all human being. He created us in His image and likeness, and how remarkable that we are all so unique and special! It illustrates His profound vastness.
I am praying that the school we chose is the right fit for them. I am praying that they believe in their abilities and grow into who God made them to be without shame, anxiety, or fear. Changing schools will not change my son’s ADHD diagnosis, but I believe that finding a school that accommodates the way he learns and engages with his body will support his growing and developing mind and body.
I love who he is, and I don’t want to change anything about him. I am excited to witness who he becomes with time. God has blessed me with children who all need different things from life.
I am so lucky to experience life from their perspectives.
I meant to comment on this story so long ago, but life was happening!!
Bravo to you for hearing out your kids and really seeing their perspectives. It's overwhelming to switch schools but as the old song says, "you gotta know when to hold 'em & know when to fold 'em" :) Now they know if anything comes up in the future, they can come to you and you will listen and help. So mega important!
Having some lightbulb moments right now.
My son had sensory issues and we had him tested but not for ADHD. I didn't want him medicated into numbness, which, as a teacher, I saw happen to young kids. We opted to homeschool him instead.
So no one told us to watch for addiction and depression. Had we known we might not have been any more successful-- we brought in mental health professionals when both of our kids were young teens. We might have talked explicitly with our kids about learning to monitor themselves.
Both of my kids were diagnosed with ADHD in their late teens. After their diagnosis, my therapist pointed out that I have adult symptoms. I've learned habits to help control it but your passage here:
"I am going to switch gears for a moment. Since I could remember (probably age 10), I experienced fits of depression and anxiety. I went through cycles of hyperactivity, intense focus, hibernation, and tons of other feelings and experiences I didn’t know how to name. I recall attending an art class as a six-year-old and hearing the teacher mention to my mom that I would lose interest too easily. Unbeknownst to said teacher, my mom was the wrong person to tell that to, because it ended my art classes and set off a tirade of shame. I learned that I needed to change quickly.
I had to be the person my mother wanted me to be, or else. I failed at that for most of my life because what she wanted was always shifting. If I reached that bar, she would find something wrong, and it would still not be good enough."
Wow. I have several parallel experiences.
My parents were and remain skeptical of psychological therapy, and only because they have multiple kids working in the field do I think they moderate their skepticism. But in our teens, I and many of my siblings needed therapy for depression.
Only after years of therapy have I learned to better monitor my depression, hiberation, intense focus, and hyperactivity.
Thank you for posting about this. I'll pray you find a good school. (Homeschooling was a tough choice with our youngest, but great with our oldest. Every kid is unique.)