The Greatest

It's Okay Not to Know

For the past few weeks, I have been running circles in my head about the path I am on. Before my father passed away, I knew exactly what I wanted. I needed a career shift. As a librarian, I am in a profession that involves helping others. I knew this career shift meant continuing down that route, but in a different field. I never wanted to work as a librarian. I fell into the field because I found myself working in libraries from the start of my undergraduate studies. I didn’t know what I wanted to do after I finished school, and I knew I had shot myself in the foot with some key faculty because I chose destruction over loving myself. Overall, I was scared, and it was easier to call myself a loser and believe the lies I told myself. If I stood still, then I wouldn’t prove that the lies were true.

There is nothing wrong with librarianship. There was a reason God allowed this path in my life. I am good at what I do. I simply get bored and question the purpose of my work, primarily when I work in law librarianship. Before my dad passed away, I knew that I wanted to be a helper, and that I needed a career shift. I was a year into my counseling degree before he died, and while I tried to keep going, I couldn’t. I had to stop for several reasons - he made me the trustee of his estate (heavy load); I was pregnant and sick; and my family probably couldn’t handle going back to one income so soon after my husband had just finished his graduate studies. My grief over my father’s passing and losing a piece of myself also weighed heavily on my heart. In sum, I was in no way, shape, or form fit to counsel anyone. As much as I tried to justify continuing, I kept hitting roadblocks, so I decided to shift gears and pursue a study of theology, much to the chagrin of my program director and professors, who asked that I take a semester off to regroup. I think about going back all the time.

I do not regret my decision to study theology, but I am still left with that nagging feeling that this is not quite it. And, I hate this feeling because I don’t know how to answer the question. I don’t know what steps to take next.

All I know is that I want to be a genuine person and be true to God, myself, and others. I want to do everything for His glory and not my own, and I want to be able to discern what is vainglory and what is actually for Him. Right now, I am not which I am holding in my hands, and that troubles me tremendously.

I used to listen to a band called Cat Power (singer Chan Marshall). She struggled with alcoholism and it almost ended her career. Chan has a beautiful voice and I would listen to her records on repeat in my apartment. Those were my favorite afternoons. I would open the windows to let in fresh air, put her record on the player, and clean my tiny apartment while humming her songs as they reverberated against the walls. ‘The Greatest’ was one of my favorite songs and it was my ringtone for the longest time (remember when we had songs as ringtones; now my phone is always on vibrate mode).

‘The Greatest’ by Chan Marshall (Cat Power)

Once I wanted to be the greatest
No wind or waterfall could stall me
And then came the rush of the flood
Stars of night turned deep to dust

Melt me down
Into big black armor
Leave no trace of grace
Just in your honor
Lower me down
To culprit south
Make 'em wash a space in town
For the lead
And the dregs of my bed
I've been sleepin'
Lower me down
Pin me in
Secure the grounds
For the later parade

Once I wanted to be the greatest
Two fists of solid rock
With brains that could explain
Any feeling

Lower me down
Pin me in
Secure the grounds
For the lead
And the dregs of my bed
I've been sleepin'
For the later parade

Once I wanted to be the greatest
No wind or waterfall could stall me
And then came the rush of the flood
Stars of night turned deep to dust

Once, I wanted to be the greatest at something and everything. And now, I mostly want to be behind the scenes. I want to be a helper, but I desire to be a quiet helper. I want to work for God, but I want to be invisible. I want to write, but I know there is so much to learn and tremendous room for growth. I want to have confidence, but I need this confidence to be in Him. I fight my envious heart, and now I realize that this envy stems from my pride and fear. Once, I wanted to be the greatest, but now I want Him to be the greatest in my life. I thought this was a matter of consecrating myself to God, but I see now that this is not the case. I can dedicate my life to Him by serving Him in all I do, by seeing Him in everyone, and loving the way He does.

I am trying to shed the vainglory, pride, envy, and confusion. I need to increase the love, faithfulness, compassion, and quiet discernment. I need to focus on one step at a time and not freak out so much when I stumble. I don’t need to be perfect or have all the answers; I need to be myself and trust in His answers.

Please keep me in your prayers.